I saw a prostitute the other day with no arms, I asked her if it affected her work in any way, she said she couldn't give a toss.
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A dog, cat and a penis where sitting around a campfire one night, the dog says "my life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant". The cat says "thats nothing, my master makes me do my business in a box of litter". The penis then gets up and says "thats nothing, at least your owners don't pull a bag over your head and make you do push-ups till you throw up!!".
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Are you free in June? You'll never believe it but I've won an all expenses paid trip to the world cup for 4 weeks all inclusive in south africa for me and 3 friends and £5k spending money! Flights leave Gatwick on the 10th of June so if you're free could you put my bins out for me?
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Four liverpool fans were playing football with a hedgehog outside my house last night. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the hedgehog went one nil up!
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Sick of having your house burgled by immigrants?
Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door!
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I took my 84 year old Dad shopping & called into the pub for a pint, like you do.
Sitting opposite was a teenager with green, blue & red hair. After putting up with my Dad staring at him for over half an hour, the teenager says "whats up old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
With out batting an eyelid my Dad replies "Fooked a peacock once! Just wondered if you were the result?!"
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Little boy asks his Mum "is it wrong to have a willy?"
Mum replies "No, why?"
"Well Dad's upstairs sweating like fook trying to pull his off!!!"
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Whats big, long 'n' hard when erect & makes a woman moan like fook?
An ironing board
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David Cameron wants to give every town & city a triple barrelled name like Kingston-on-Thames or Stoke-on-Trent. I think that'll go down rather well in Liverpool-on-Benefits.