They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.
· A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
· There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.
· Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.
· Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
· A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!"
The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
· Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
· My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time.
"Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
· I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
· Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
· A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"
· A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
· French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Are ye awake?"
· I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!
· The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
· I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
· Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
Some gags from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival;
1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub
11) I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak"
