the shit list

[skeletor]

Because shit is funny....

THE GHOST SH1T
The kind where you feel SH1T come out, see SH1T on the toilet paper, but there's no SH1T in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SH1T
The kind where you feel SH1T come out, see SH1T in the bowl, but there's no SH1T on the toilet paper.

THE WET SH1T
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SH1T
This SH1T happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to SH1T some more. Sometimes known as the "BUS SH1T" as if you wait a few minutes another one comes along.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SH1T
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead SH1T". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SH1T
This is where you have eaten some sweetcorn, and miraculously it has reformed into the cob.

THE LOG SH1T
The kind of SH1T that's so enormous you are afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SH1T
The kind of SH1T you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SH1T" SH1T-
The kind where you want to SH1T, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SH1T
Also known as the "POWER DUMP". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SH1T
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SH1T
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This SH1T is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This SH1T occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This SH1T occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SH1T
A SH1T so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SH1T
This SH1T has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SH1T
This is any SH1T created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A SH1T so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this SH1T has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A SH1T which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SH1T
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SH1T
Now you see it, now you don't. This SH1T is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. Also known as "THE HOMESICK POO", as it doesn't want to leave 'home'

THE BOMBSHELL
A SH1T that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to SH1T (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near SH1Tting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny SH1T which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. Sometimes known as the " ICE CREAM VAN SH1T" due to the way it is laid down.

THE OLYMPIC SH1T
This SH1T occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the "DRINKER'S SH1T".

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SH1T
This SH1T may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SH1T
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T SH1T.

PREMEDITATED SH1T
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SH1TZOPHERENIA
Fear of SH1Tting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SH1T
Also known as a "STILL GOING" SH1T.

THE SURPRISE SH1T
This is where you go to fart, and this one pops out.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SH1T
This kind of SH1T is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over
the floor. (You should have followed the advice from "THE LOG SH1T".)

THE SPINAL TAP SH1T
The kind of SH1T that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SH1T
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap SH1Ts. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SH1T
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SH1T
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SH1T
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SH1T
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SH1T
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE BOSTON STRANGLER
Try as you might, the damn thing won't snap off. This is the more serious version of the "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"

[BlacKBlazE]

That's funny and sick