Police in Angola have named a suspect for the recent attack on the Togo team bus. With over 300 shots and only 3 on target police are keen to speak to Emile Heskey!
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Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder when all of a sudden he gets stopped by customs and they search the two sacks, they find loads of mobile phones in them. Custom officer asks paddy why does he have all these phones?
Paddy replies "well why'll I was on me travels in America I got a phone ccall from me mate Murphy in Cork and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones!"
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I saw a sign in the hospital the other day that read...
Family Planning: use rear entrance
Good advice I thought!
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Heather Mills has put in an official complaint to the dancing on ice producers saying it was insensitive to make her dance to footloose!
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Old lady says to her hubby, "my nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago"
Not surprised her husband replies "that's because one's in your coffee & the other in you porridge!"
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A distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in snow. He prays to God for help. A woman appears, puts her arms over the icy cows. They immediately defrost.
Thank you said the grateful farmer, are you an angel sent by God?
"No" say the woman "I'm Thora Herd"
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Bloke changing his tyre & his mate pulls up & asks...
"what happened?"
"Ran over a bottle"
"did you not see it?"
"nah the fooking chav had it hidden in his pocket!"
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Don't spend millions on airport body scanners. Simply hand out crispy bacon on cocktail sticks. If they don't eat, they don't fly!
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Freezing temperatures in Liverpool today, scousers have been seen with their hands in their OWN pockets!!!
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The annual premature ejaculation society's dinner is next Friday - no dress code just come in your pants!
Some jokes
Re: Some jokes
why are parking spaces like girls at parties?
if you get there late all the best ones are taken, so when no ones looking you stick it in the disabled one!
if you get there late all the best ones are taken, so when no ones looking you stick it in the disabled one!
-
Forest
- Posts: 1197
- Joined: Mon 16 Jul 2007 6:11 am
- Xfire Username: aopforest
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Re: Some jokes
Adebayour has been in sombre mood since the shootings, he said he didn't think it was appropriate to run down and celebrate in front of the gunners.
"So why do they call me rohypnol??"... "doink"
Re: Some jokes
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Re: Some jokes
Paddy was asked if he preferred legs or breasts.
He replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.
He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket
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Paul McCartney was on X-factor sunday night playing a piano. Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change!
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Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.. Told them to " ***k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
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Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b**tard, you're in that feckin basket!"
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I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
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I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
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Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
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After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.
"I'm afraid this is serious," the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?"
"Yes," the man replies shakily.
"Well," the doctor continues, "You've got a brothel sprout"
He replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.
He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket
------------------------------------
Paul McCartney was on X-factor sunday night playing a piano. Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change!
------------------------------------
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.. Told them to " ***k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
------------------------------------
Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b**tard, you're in that feckin basket!"
------------------------------------
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
------------------------------------
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
------------------------------------
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
------------------------------------
After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.
"I'm afraid this is serious," the doctor says after examining him. "You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?"
"Yes," the man replies shakily.
"Well," the doctor continues, "You've got a brothel sprout"