What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes ?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..
a man turns to his wife and says look love its your 40th birthday coming up you can have anything you want , would you like a big diamond ring ? N o she replies . would you like a brand new ferrari ? N o she replies , the husband is starting to run out of ideas so asks wat do you want then ? S he replies i want a divorce to which the husband replies I wasnt planning on spending that much f***ing money
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling
screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says
the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit
the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine"
Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
*******************************
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
********************************
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
********************************
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London.
I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".
*********************************
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
********************************************
An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried, that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro.”
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!! "
"Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years is still addressed as Your Honor."
"And me? I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me The ****ing Italian."
************************************************************ ****
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the
top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently
breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price."
********************************************
A modern day explorer has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the
sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But
this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge
and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has
pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, mate," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the explorer. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The bloke thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The explorer finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, matey, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The explorer finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, chum, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the explorer says... "I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's always a string attached.